Pain

This was written about a month ago, on a very bad day when my pain was excruciatingly bad and I couldn’t take it – so I decided to try and write what it felt like. Since then, nothing much has changed, I’ve just been coping with the ‘new normal’ which is a steady increase of overall pain levels.
However, upon re-reading this with a little bit of more level head, I felt it was still worthy of a share. There might be others out there who deal with chronic pain, or a chronic illness, who have similar experiences. I simply do not know.
If you do – know you’re not alone, even if the battle is a lonely one. 

Pain is exhausting.
It eats at me, every single day. Piece by piece it consumes. It started as an ember, so small, years ago, and now it is a fire, fuelled by existence alone and sometimes it is all I seem to know.

It hurts to even breath. Each lung full is like stretching skin over barbed wire. When did my chest start betraying me, I am often left to ponder? There is not a day that passes when my head is not ripping itself apart with hatchets. What would it be like to live without a headache? Would I even know myself if I ever woke up without one?

Pain has blurred memories together, and years have become a long string of time wasted away in a body that is young, but feels so decrepit.

I should be relishing in youth.
So young, people tell me. Oh, Kylie, you are so young. You have so much time. Don’t worry – don’t worry – you are in the prime of your life. Their words are like mockery. I haven’t felt young in a long time. Not in a body that I am forced to drag through a day. The vigour of youth is long past, despite the youthful years of my unwrinkled cheeks. Yet, what life have I truly lived? Can I say I have lived at all? People my age seem so falsely carefree. They are like adverts in front of me, flashing on a movie screen, portraying a wondrous example of just what I do not have:
Freedom from an invisible tower, created by bricks of pain, built up day by day.
And there is no prince to save and comfort, just endless staring out a window, wishing for the seasons to change.

Pain has already worn me down, it’s a grindstone and I am the dull blade never to be sharpened.

The fingertips on a keyboard become sharp, stabs, as if I’ve pounded them down to the very bone—but if I had, would they hurt anymore? Everything is heavy, even smiling is an effort I just can’t be bothered with doing. Am I beautiful, without a smile? Have I ever been beautiful?

The first man to call me beautiful, other than my father, was an elderly gentleman in a café.
No man has ever told me again.
It is just a word, I always tell myself—
But it is word with such potent meaning.
Like pain.
A word becomes a dagger in the heart—if you let it.
Don’t let it.

My entire world has shrunken into a room. I am Rapunzel in her tower. Sleeping Beauty waiting to wake up from a dream. Snow White poisoned by an apple. Ariel wishing to explore a world above. Moana trying to escape to the ocean. I can almost reach—but I just can’t make it.

I try, I try, I keep trying. I fight, I fight and I keep fighting.

Some battles are lifetime worthy. Some princesses pick up the armour of a dead knight nearby, and battle their dragons alone.

 

5 thoughts on “Pain

  1. alyssabowman says:

    Thank you for sharing this! It is so difficult to live in constant pain and still maintain a normal life. I am sorry for what you deal with. I live with pain because of Multiple Sclerosis. I was diagnosed 16 years ago but, I am still trying to see the positive in life. I will admit, it is hard some days. I have been able to connect with so many people through this blog that really understand and it has been so helpful. I look forward to more of your posts! Take care!

    Like

    • AuthorKylie says:

      Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so grateful to hear from others who have gained strength from the community around them. I am sorry to hear, though, of your own struggles – it’s amazing though, how far a positive mind can take someone, even just through a bad day.

      Wishing you all the best.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nate says:

    Man… I understand what that pain is like (both physically and emotionally); I’ve lived with chronic pain and fatigue since before I graduated highschool. Thankfully I’ve gone into remission through recent dietary changes – no more fatigue, pain now stays between 0 and 1 out of 10 on the pain scale. If you’ve never attempted the dietary route for healing (eating only whole foods, removing common sources of inflammation, supplementing with fermented foods/bone broth, etc.) I highly recommend giving it a try – it’s giving me my life back.

    That aside, I know how hard it gets. Keep your head up, and keep up the good work. I’ll be praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • AuthorKylie says:

      Thanks Nate, so very much for your comment. I really appreciate it. Awhile back I tried with a dietitian to work through my diet, but it didn’t really seem to do much – much to both my dietitians disappointment and mine. I’m thinking though, that changing a few things again can’t hurt. I’ve been rather lax due to moving in with my parents, and perhaps that’s why my pain levels have increased? Who knows.

      Thanks again. I’m grateful for the prayers too. Thank you.

      Like

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