From the Past to the Present
I want to read you all something I found today while sorting through my journals:
I really am just so lost,
And it is really awful.
I just want this year, this horrible, horrible year to bring some happiness by the end of it.
I’ll keep stumbling forward in the dark.
I don’t know the way, but I’ll keep stumbling.
I really don’t have any other choice.
This journal ends as it begins, with me being lost in a lonely abyss of despair.
Nothing changes.Kylie Leane’s Journal – Dated 3/7/2017
Several months later I began a new journal in a NASA themed notebook – 29th of December 2017. This is a quote from the first page.
It is amazing to be able to start this journal off so very different from all other journals that have ever come before…
Yes – the House is mine (sorta).
But I HAVE A HOUSE to live in and to make my own, and I am so, so happy.Kylie Leane’s Journal – Dated 29/12/2017
Change. Change happened. Indeed, the small journal that sits between the 7th month of 2017 and the 12th month is packed with a considerable amount of content. I was rapidly reaching the end of my tether, but without realising it, I was also spinning towards a resolution I could not see.
My journal’s are a fascinating journey – some are very repetitive – but others are absolute gems into my life, and frankly, the life of my family. There are things in them that I have entirely forgotten about – events that lead into other enormous, earth-shattering events (such as my older brother’s heart attack). I started writing about my brother’s symptoms THREE YEARS before he had his heart attack. I had no idea I started writing about his symptoms so early. That just…that just freaks me out…
There are car-crashes, cars being stolen, trees falling on the house, pets dying, my siblings going on dates, camping trips, me betting with my sister who will get married first (she owes me 50 bucks!).
Have you ever wondered what your teenage self would say to you?
You know, like those letters that sometimes pop up on the internet:
‘Sixteen-year-old me writes a letter to thirty-year-old-me”
Well – having a journal is a little bit like that.
What captured me tonight was a journal from 2004 – when I would have been fifteen. I started reading this journal because I expected something a lot more depressing, following 2003 – a very difficult year upon which I left face-to-face school, and went on anti-antidepressants, and if it wasn’t for my journals, I would have NO recollection of 2003 due to those drugs. So, what did I discover from 2004, after my mother pulled me off Zoloft, due to its…ah…side-effects? I discovered a brilliant, articulated teenage girl who loved God.
I know this might sound a bit…awful to say about myself…but for the longest time, I have had a very poor opinion of teenage me. I felt I caused immense amount of strife for my family, and I have been deeply ashamed.
So, reading back a journal and discovering a teenager full of such happiness, such life, such enthusiasm and love for her family just fills me with gratitude for that young girl.
That was me – once upon a time – and if that was me once upon a time, doesn’t that mean that is still me now?
I’ll leave you with some wisdom from fifteen-year-old me:
You are a beautiful young lady. Smart and intelligent.
No matter what, never give up.
You will get somewhere in this world.
Kylie Leane’s Journal – Dated 16/12/04