So it’s been a couple weeks that I’ve been off Twitter now and it’s been interesting.
I’ve appreciated it. I’ve appreciated the peace. No more constant hammering in my skull like a woodpecker, telling me who, what and how I should be – that I am not worthy due to my thoughts and opinions.
I am glad to not have such an influence in my life. Maybe I shall return – maybe not.
Of course, I haven’t entirely left social media – I still have Facebook, which I find rather vital for keeping up with friends and family – however – even Facebook can be like this buzzing bee threatening to sting you. I’m considering nuking it from my phone ^_^;
I scroll through facebook and I see posts by people commenting on something I find interesting, or something I might disagree with – perhaps something regarding my faith, or Australia, or ethics, or writing or feminism, or identity politics – just something – and I sit for awhile contemplating the post and what I might say, or how I might respond.
And I’ve noticed a thought crossing through my mind more and more.
“Your opinion is irrelevant, so just live.”
Perhaps it’s because I liked a stupid meme (or something I considered stupid and irrelevant) that a friend told me I should never have liked – and then began to police me and everything I said, did, liked and enjoyed – which ended up ruining that friendship. Perhaps I feel like I am caged in, unable to say anything and therefore: “My opinion is irrelevant.”
And it isn’t that my opinion is actually irrelevant – it’s that I’ve sort of come to this realisation that the things I want are worth so much more. They’re outside of a digital realm, they’re outside of gaming, of anime, of fantasy and science fiction. They’re “reality”. And while I will always retain the heart of wonder, a heart that delights in the fantastical – I’ve “grown up”. I am Ariel stepping out of the ocean, without a voice, trying to find something on the land.
Am I ever going to find the ‘grown-up’ things I seek outside of the ocean that I loved? I don’t know. But I am willing to accept that I am on a road moving forward – there are going to be so many rough patches, but, I’ve made landfall. Maybe someday I’ll find my voice again.